A friend of mine, who was at the NICU with her own 24 weeker born just a couple of days after Macie, Ellie, and Nate, posted a picture today of their recent visit to the NICU. It was a wonderful picture of a beautiful little girl and smiling doctors and nurses. The feelings that immediately came over me when I saw it really surprised me. I was jealous. Jealous that they live in Boise and get to go for visits any time they want. And jealous that we are 3 hours away and have only been able to visit once. I was so jealous that I became quite emotional. I kept thinking that it was so stupid. I was getting emotional that I couldn't go back to a place that I spent 140 days wanting nothing more than to escape? You've got to be kidding me! Why would I want to go back there so badly? Then, I suddenly realized why I was feeling that way. The NICU is our family. Not a single other person knows just how hard those 140 days were. Those doctors and nurses were there with us every minute of every day. They were there when the babies were born, when Ellie died, when no one thought Nate would make it either, when he did...twice, when I got to see them for the first time, when we got to hold Nate for the first time, when I called in the middle of every night for updates on Nate, when I had several emotional meltdowns, when Nate finally started to grow, and when he finally got to come home. They were there during every setback and every step of progress. No one can understand what those days were like but the people who were there and helped us through it. No wonder I have such a connection to the NICU. The NICU feels like home to me. It is where some of the hardest and most emotional things I have ever experienced happened. And no one else experienced those moments with me more than my NICU family. I hope I always feel this connection to them and I hope, one day, Nate will grow to love them too.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Thoughts About the NICU
I don't usually express many personal experiences or feeling here on the blog (or ever really), but I had an experience today that I feel like I want to share. Maybe it can help my friends and family understand me a little better. Or maybe it can help another NICU family realize like someone else understands how they feel.
A friend of mine, who was at the NICU with her own 24 weeker born just a couple of days after Macie, Ellie, and Nate, posted a picture today of their recent visit to the NICU. It was a wonderful picture of a beautiful little girl and smiling doctors and nurses. The feelings that immediately came over me when I saw it really surprised me. I was jealous. Jealous that they live in Boise and get to go for visits any time they want. And jealous that we are 3 hours away and have only been able to visit once. I was so jealous that I became quite emotional. I kept thinking that it was so stupid. I was getting emotional that I couldn't go back to a place that I spent 140 days wanting nothing more than to escape? You've got to be kidding me! Why would I want to go back there so badly? Then, I suddenly realized why I was feeling that way. The NICU is our family. Not a single other person knows just how hard those 140 days were. Those doctors and nurses were there with us every minute of every day. They were there when the babies were born, when Ellie died, when no one thought Nate would make it either, when he did...twice, when I got to see them for the first time, when we got to hold Nate for the first time, when I called in the middle of every night for updates on Nate, when I had several emotional meltdowns, when Nate finally started to grow, and when he finally got to come home. They were there during every setback and every step of progress. No one can understand what those days were like but the people who were there and helped us through it. No wonder I have such a connection to the NICU. The NICU feels like home to me. It is where some of the hardest and most emotional things I have ever experienced happened. And no one else experienced those moments with me more than my NICU family. I hope I always feel this connection to them and I hope, one day, Nate will grow to love them too.
A friend of mine, who was at the NICU with her own 24 weeker born just a couple of days after Macie, Ellie, and Nate, posted a picture today of their recent visit to the NICU. It was a wonderful picture of a beautiful little girl and smiling doctors and nurses. The feelings that immediately came over me when I saw it really surprised me. I was jealous. Jealous that they live in Boise and get to go for visits any time they want. And jealous that we are 3 hours away and have only been able to visit once. I was so jealous that I became quite emotional. I kept thinking that it was so stupid. I was getting emotional that I couldn't go back to a place that I spent 140 days wanting nothing more than to escape? You've got to be kidding me! Why would I want to go back there so badly? Then, I suddenly realized why I was feeling that way. The NICU is our family. Not a single other person knows just how hard those 140 days were. Those doctors and nurses were there with us every minute of every day. They were there when the babies were born, when Ellie died, when no one thought Nate would make it either, when he did...twice, when I got to see them for the first time, when we got to hold Nate for the first time, when I called in the middle of every night for updates on Nate, when I had several emotional meltdowns, when Nate finally started to grow, and when he finally got to come home. They were there during every setback and every step of progress. No one can understand what those days were like but the people who were there and helped us through it. No wonder I have such a connection to the NICU. The NICU feels like home to me. It is where some of the hardest and most emotional things I have ever experienced happened. And no one else experienced those moments with me more than my NICU family. I hope I always feel this connection to them and I hope, one day, Nate will grow to love them too.
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Lets order those beads. I've been waiting for a sign -whether the NICU was going to be a good memory or not, whether you'd want to be reminded of what you went thru. I'll find that website, and you place the order and I'll give you my VISA card #, ok? I had “only" 9 days of understanding, but 8 of those days were spent wondering "what next" and "how much longer" and I've never forgotten that feeling of home and safety they gave me.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully put. It has been almost nine years since we were there (about 50 days) but I still remember very vividly the nurses and how sweet they were with my babies, the pictures they took for me when I wasn't there, the way they fought over who got to style Ashlyn's hair, the tenderness in which they helped us with our set backs, and the cheers they gave us when it was time to send us home. There is a special place in Heaven for NICU workers. I am so glad that you can look back through your memories with more than bitterness and despair. You are a strong and wonderful person :)
ReplyDeleteLove ya! I can't even imagine what you went through there. I hope you can reconnect with some of your family in the NICU soon.
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